Des Moines, IA (AP) – In a bold, audacious move, the Republican party today announced their dream ticket for the 2012 presidential elections – Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell.
Governor Palin, the failed vice-presidential candidate in the 2008 elections was elated. “I can see the capitol from my house,” she was heard saying.
In a joint press conference early today, Governor Palin and Ms O’Donnell announced the main points of their platform:
· Christianity will be made the state religion for the United States
· Abortion for any reason will be outlawed
· Corporate taxes will be reduced to 1% or $10, whichever is lesss
· And a whole lot of other important stuff
According to Ms O’Donnell, another important piece of legislation they’ll pursue is a new federal law making masturbation and adultery class three felonies.
“Masturbation is the devil’s work,” said O’Donnell following the press conference. “It’s evil, and is no different than adultery. Sex is something sacred and should never take place outside the holy bounds of matrimony. I think masturbators should be shot on sight. Or maybe have their peckers cut off.”
Asked about her qualifications for office, Governor Palin stated, “I learned a whole lot, let me tell you, in the last election. I think it was a mistake for me to run on Senator McCain’s ticket. If it had been me and Chrissie together then, it’d be a different story now – no Muslim in the White House now, let me tell you.” She went on to add, “John’s a nice guy but he’s kinda weak kneed and he caved to all those godless liberals that want to turn our country into a socialist state. That was a mistake, and it’s one I aim to correct.”
“America needs strong leadership. Strong Christian, leadership, and that’s what Chrissie and I will bring to the table. We’ll put this great country back on the path to righteousness.”
“Masturbation is the devil’s work,” added Ms O’Donnell, “and we must punish these sinners.”
When asked about her response to the high US unemployment rate, Governor Palin said, “Perhaps if everyone will just tighten their belts and pray, we’ll get better. Although I really don’t understand what all the fuss is about – there really are plenty of jobs around. Why all my friends have jobs. Don’t yours?”
“Masturbation is the devil’s work,” chimed in O’Donnell.