Jim McDermott Does It Again
Seattle (AP) – Riding the success of his revelations of a cell phone conversation featuring former Speaker of The House, Newt Gingrich, Congressman Jim McDermott (D – Seattle) today made public the transcript of a new cell phone conversation – this one between President George W. Bush and presumed Republican presidential candidate, Senator John McCain (R – Arizona).
Mr. John W. Dean, a ham radio operator in the Washington DC area, recorded the conversation on June 4th by accident. After sitting on the tape for several weeks, debating what to do, Mr. Dean finally decided to approach Mr. McDermott with the tape on July 12th.
In a press conference today, Congressman McDermott stated, “After conferring with my attorney and my friends and my family, I’ve decided to come forward and make a transcript of the call between Mr. Bush and Mr. McCain available to the public.” Mr. McDermott continued, “Privacy concerns aside, I think it’s important that government be as transparent as possible and the public has a right and a duty to know the full story about its leaders.”
According to Mr. McDermott, independent experts have verified the authenticity of the tape.
Initial reaction from the Whitehouse was to deny the existence of the tape, then later, characterizing it as a bad practical joke. But yet later this afternoon, when confronted with certain facts guaranteeing the tape’s authenticity, Whitehouse Spokesperson Dana Perino issued a curt, “No comment,” then moments later stated Mr. Bush would have a formal reply about the tape later tonight.
Despite repeated attempts to contact the McCain campaign, Presidential candidate McCain’s spokesperson was unavailable for comment.
A transcript of the call follows below.
OPERATOR: “This is the Whitehouse calling for Senator McCain…”
John McCain: “Hello? I told that idiot never to call me here.
OPERATOR: “Sir, please stand by for the President…”
JMC: “Oh, well…”
A pause, then,
George W Bush: “McDude! Hey, what’s happening, dawg?”
JMC: “Hey Georgie.”
GWB: “Hey, congratulations on the bitch losing.”
JMC: “Thanks. Yeah, I feel good about it. Hillary makes me fucking nervous. I mean I still have that nightmare where she’s going down on me and then bites it off. She’s one scary bitch.”
GWB: “Naw, not no mo’ – she’s history, now. With Osama in the driver’s seat, you already won, boy! No way this country’s gonna elect a darkie as president. They’re fucking insane, the dems. They just wrote their own death warrant. A darkie and a woman for candidates – you believe that?”
JMC: “Now like I told you, they don’t call them that anymore…”
GWB: “Lookie-here: I don’t care what the fuck they call them. Any way you cut it, the cocksucker ain’t gonna get elected. You won, boy!”
JMC: “I s’pose…”
GWB: “But look, that’s enough of that happy horse shit. Hey: last week we were talking about me doing some fund raisers for you…”
JMC: “Yes sir. Now I just wanna say…”
GWB: “The word, is bullshit…”
JMC: “Bullshit?”
GWB: “Bullshit. My people tell me your people told them I’ve gotta distance myself from you or I’ll damage your chances. It’s all according to their pollsters. Now just what the fuck exactly is this shit?”
JMC: “Georgie, now just see here one short …”
GWB: “I don’t wanna see shit. I just wanna know, is it true?”
JMC: “Oh, you know how pollsters…”
GWB: “Fuck pollsters. They don’t know what the people want. Not like I do. I’m the best president this country ever had, or will have. The best wartime President ever. Roosevelt wasn’t shit. I saved them from Saddam Hussein, I saved them from Osama bin Laden, I saved them from Kim Jong Il, and now I’m protecting them from themselves – all these gay commie liberal assholes that’d turn our country into a fucking socialist, godless disaster. What the fuck exactly do your people want? Why should you distance yourself from me? I’m George W. Bush, goddammit!”
JMC: “Georgie, I just think…”
GWB: “Exactly, you think way too much! Listen: I’m the fucking president of the United fucking States of America. I’ve got more power than Churchill or Roosevelt or Kennedy ever had, more power even than Stalin or Napoleon or Genghis Khan or anyone in all history. I’m on a mission directly from the Lord God Himself! And you think you want to distance yourself from me? What the flying fuck?”
JMC: “Georgie, I just want you to know that I support everything you’ve done, and I think the bad press is bullshit…”
GWB: “Damn straight it’s bullshit!” There’s an audible sigh, then GWB continues, “Sometimes I think we just oughta forget all this here election bullshit and I can just declare a state of emergency like we were talking those times with Dick Cheney. I hate knuckling under to these gay-ass liberal, girly men.”
JMC: “Hmm. I see you’ve been spending more time with Ah-nold again, huh?”
GWB: “Yeah. You know I really like his wifey, even if she is a Kennedy. I oughta get her to try and talk some sense in to Teddy, if that’s possible…”
JMC: “It isn’t…”
GWB: “Yeah.” There’s another audible sigh, then “But I shit you not. Gimme one good reason and I’ll declare martial law and fuck the election. Hitler did it, then so can I. And I can make the story a whole lot more believable than anything he ever came up with. Dr. Goebbles wasn’t shit compared to my PR guys. The American people will believe anything I tell them, if I do it right.”
JMC: “Another terrorist attack?”
GWB: “You betchya. Right before the election all sorts a shit might just break loose. Got all sorts a ways we could go. A big attack somewhere – say a plane dives into the World Series game or something? The timing’s about right. So, I declare martial law, suspend the election indefinitely, for the duration of the emergency, then sequester the candidates – for their own safety.” GWB chuckles, then continues, “And believe you me, I’ll sequester a whole shitload of people if I do that. A whole lot of gay-ass liberals gonna go for a one-way ride right off the bat.”
JMC: “Liberals are un-patriotic, huh?”
GWB: “Bet your sweet ass!”
JMC: “No shit.”
GWB: “But like we agreed, I wasn’t gonna do any of that shit unless it looked like the bitch was gonna win, and now she’s out of the picture. So anyways, one more time: what’s this shit about not wanting me to do fundraisers for you?”
JMC: “Georgie, tell you what: I think some of those girly men musta infiltrated my staff. I’m gonna find ‘em and fire ‘em right now. We’ll get you on-board at the next fund raiser ASAP.”
GWB: “Good. That’s what I like to hear. ” Another sigh, then, “Okay, I’m gonna split. Laura and I are going up to Camp David for the weekend. I’m gonna have another shot at starting my memoirs. I’ve got an historic legacy I’m leaving behind. I owe it to my God and my country to document all my thoughts as clearly as possible, so that others may study them. This is important shit!”
JMC: “Extremely important!”
GWB: “Fucking A!”
JMC: “Hey: Cindy told me to tell you hi for Laura. She wanted to thank her for that book.”
GWB: “I’ll pass that on.”
JMC: “Okay. Look, the limo’s gonna take off without me. I gotta split. I’ll have my people call your people. Later, Georgie!”
GWB: “Later McDude!”